All Great Things In 2018

Classrooms are fascinating environments. In the hands of a skilled instructor, this simple four walled room is transformed into a micro-cosmos, a brightly lit galaxy in miniscule, behold to none other than itself. The attentions of the students, flares of revolving curiosity, half filled vessels in search of the satiation brought about only from the rich waters of right knowledge, are drawn in towards their teacher. On the collegiate level, such sessions can last for hours and hours.

Hours and hours
check their watches,
and phones,
eager to learn,
but equally eager to escape from that well lit haven of academia.

This is where the fascinating part kicks in.
Because they leave their classroom, wander down the hallways, hit the bar on the door, step outside and


It’s so bright outside!

Even though they’d been in a well lit area for an extended amount of time, it still paled in comparison to real light.

Real light.

It’s kind of like that moment when you realize (usually after a glass of something delicious and maybe a shot?) that your saintly grandmother may have been slightly off base bemoaning the hells of alcohol. Drinking alcohol doesn’t sear your soul. Drinking until you no longer oppose internal darkness… or until your moral compass loses its alignment… or until you forget who you are… 

those are the things that sear your soul.
not drinking itself.
abusing yourself THROUGH the drink.

Real light.

There is this almost “optimistic ideal,” that the modern area of so called scholars and people who claim to love, care about, and understand children all carry in their heads. It’s an idea (a delusion; a fantasy really) propagated by pencil pushers and folks who would rather make decisions from afar than do the work and find out the minutiae of minor adjustments. We live in a broad stroke society. Nuance requires attention, discernment, and a fair amount of skill.

And time.
Much simpler to paint over all that with blanket statements and then shoot down all who oppose.

The idea is that children need to be delicately spoken to.
That they ought not be told “no.”
That their emotions must be catered to at every point.
That their ability to vocalize wants and dislike is the North Star for all adult behavior.

Work with kids for 5 minutes and you’ll quickly find out how much utter crap that is.
Work with them for an hour and you’ll see how cunning and manipulative they can be.
Do actual life with children and you’ll see how broad strokes are creating the exact type of inept, socially deranged, self absorbed adults of which we are already exhausted and have far too many of.

The foundational concept- the notion of treating kids more like humans and less like props- is quite sound actually. Quite impressive and admirable. It’s light.

But it is not real light.

Real light informs that a good idea without precise, keenly intuited, precision is- at the end- worse than a bad idea.

And it is under this banner that my entire 2018 year has come to be framed.
I feel as if, in all years prior, I’d been elevating through a series of well lit rooms,

until i opened a door
and someone cut the lights out
which forced me to find my way outside
by feel
and not by sight

And once I stepped into real light, I realized how much of a farce the light I had been so highly prizing had been all along. Not only did truth slam into me like a truckload of steel girders, showing me that my light had been deficient and thereby my sight had been deficient-

I was also seeing EVERYTHING differently!

Now, I know the practice before the new year is to list all of the good things and accomplishments that happened (my God were their many), but I’m choosing to do a different list and I’ll tell you after it’s done.

Here are my experiences from this year alone:

i went through a divorce
i was targeted by passive aggressive racism
i was played
i was manipulated
i was lied to
i was cheated
i was abandoned
i was disregarded
i was taken advantage of

Over and over and over again, the idea that I simply wasn’t worth the breath it takes to keep me alive… that if I wasn’t here, people would be glad for one less space taken up… was drilled into me.

only here’s the thing
thanks to my real light exposure

I didn’t believe any of it.

There were many harrowing, down trodden, heart broken moments, to be sure, but I was- on the whole- beginning to operate on a brand new plane, in a brand new way, from a brand new space. I didn’t catch on quite at the beginning, but as summer began to conclude, I finally keyed in.

Something bigger was happening here.

Like the universe, my internal world was expanding.
I was headed somewhere.
Responding to the call
of real light.

And I’m so proud of me for that.

My theme for the entirety of 2018 has been
“All Great Things in 2018,”
and I never backed down from that,
no matter how bad things got.

But the year has drawn to a close and the greatest thing has been this exposure to, submersion in, and exploration of this real light. I’m organically focused, deeply healed, kinetically recharged, and armed to the teeth with vision, creativity, faith, and will.

Which perfectly dovetails into my motto for 2019.

“Take it By Storm.


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Categories: Blog, New Year's EveTags: , , , , , , , ,

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